I'm feeling really emotional right now and it's been so long since i've last posted something really unhappy.. I've got so so much to voice out yet all i hear is silence. I'm engulfed in unhappiness.. at this moment, now.. i really want someone to hug, cuddle and just.. rant. rant till my hearts content. So, blogger.... i can't hug you nor can i cuddle you but the least i can do is to rant.
Well, what's life exactly.. is it about wasting your time off doing the times you enjoy as time waits for no one, or drown yourself in things that you dislike - just to achieve all you've even wanted? What's love, a 4 letter word which can hurt so.. so much. I've been thru alot of downfalls in love, after you left, life has been a complete mess. I sorta lost my ownself and I know my readers have been concerned, for some of you.. be it scolding me, or teaching me on how'ta reflect, I thank y'all for everything.
After you left.. life has been really mundane, it's like, i lived my life for the sake of you in the past, but right now.. i live life for..?? I.don't.know. If there was a rewind button, in to the past.. I wouldn't press it, i wouldn't change anything because i've gotta face the fact that a pause button doesn't even exist, it would still be square one, how it's like today........ I can't help but to miss you, I can't do anything because i myself is certain that i've given up, and what's holding me back is memories.. memories of us, two..
If i can live a day without you, i'm pretty sure that i can do it.. for the rest of my life. And to the 2 new ones that recently appeared in my life, i thank you two for your appearance. Never once did i thought that 2 new ones could bring sucha huge impact into me.. I've stumbled, i've tripped i mean who doesn't make mistakes?
3915, It's really hard of me to talk to you, so.. i'd rather blog this out not knowing if you'd actually read what i'm typing what so ever.. I want you to know, that you was never a burden, i never once thought that you would trip me, i never even expected us to get to where we are today. i never asked for more because i knew that i wouldn't be able to devote myself to you, wholeheartedly.. When i first knew you, i was scared and bruised, i didn't know what i was doing and i was literally lost, my life in a mess and i didn't know how to control or even to handle how i'm actually feeling for everyone, everything... you made me understand that you were there, thru out.. you made me realize that even at my hardest times, you never failed to make me smile. First it was from small goodnight msges, till really long goodnight msges who'd keep me smiling thru out.. And i remembered your first unknown phone call to me when i was about to turn in, your first goodnight kiss thru the phone. i don't know why we turned out to be like how we are right now, prolly is because.. I've yet to understand love and you are just inexperienced. We don't understand each other and every time we try'ta communication.. it just leads to a communication breakdown, a major one. So much so that i could even feel tired when i'm just replying to a text of yours.. it's really torturing. You always say things that makes sense, but don't i make sense too? It's either you you you, or me me me. it's never us, how can we accommodate to each other when we don't compromise? You've been learning i know, i can tell. But right now, what i'm feeling is that your too lazy to even be bothered, i ain't perfect.
I'm only human, i make mistakes.. i break promises, i cry i lie.
IT'S NORMAL, IT'S PART AND PARCEL OF LIFE.
I can't deny how much i liked you before but you just kept pushing me till the extreme end, i have limits too.... and i guess right now, we don't really care. Do we?
To the another you, you've seen me go thru all sorts of unhappy moments, happy moments and we tend to click really well.. although we've known each others existence for close to 2 years. We never really talked, we didn't even have any eye contact till recently and the things that you do, really contains high sugar level, really dangerous ha ha. It's highly contagious. Thanks for being there for me thru out.. esp when we are in heaven, ke ke. Well today, you officially touched my heart with a really simple act, i mean.. honestly speaking. Your the first guy that' ever done something that simple yet sweet, i really smiled and i cried. I like the warm fuzzy feeling that you make me feel every time we're on the phone, web cam or even in a dota.. Esp the long chat that we had at BQ that night, what you said is etched in my heart. I'd never let the word's slip because we share the same mindset.
Thanks for today and for everything that you did, I know you understand and you support me in everything that i'm currently doing and that's make me certain, that your sensible enough to stick thru with me.. for a really long time, PRONTO. X
Lastly, thanks small lil white box. I feel better.
Must. keep. this. in. mind.
